Independent feature, 27th December 2024 - Reviving a lifeless marriage

However, when you improve one area, you often positively impact another. For example, a client in her fifties was feeling lost now her kids were grown up. She was also trying to lose weight for her daughter’s wedding and in an attempt to stop her attacking the soft cheese with a teaspoon every time she walked past the fridge, I gave her a task.

It was unlikely to be actual hunger for the cheese, so I asked her to make a note of what she felt every time she went to the fridge. She realised she wasn’t hungry at all and usually felt either lonely, bored or agitated.

The loneliness surprised her. She had been married for decades, but they had slumped into a groove of talking and making plans but rarely actually connecting. He would often disappear into his study after dinner and she felt a loneliness that used to be filled with busy daily life. They had a good relationship, but it felt muted.

It happens. We hear about the sexless marriages. From my coaching work, this is not that uncommon, and often from passion petering out, rather than intentional.

We know about loveless marriages, held together by the sticking tape of kids or convenience but a fear of a future without it.

There is love if you go looking, there may even be sex, but there is no energy in the relationship; often because the energy is sucked away by the day-to-day busyness of running the business (which every family is)

Yet what I commonly see in my work, is the number of lifeless marriages that exist. There is love if you go looking, there may even be sex, but there is no energy in the relationship; often because the energy is sucked away by the day-to-day busyness of running the business (which every family is).

The love is a faint beat that keeps the marriage breathing, but only just, not enough energy pumping through to give it any sense of vibrancy. There is familiarity, family and even friendship, but no fun or focus.

So how did cheese and a teaspoon bring some life back into a lifeless marriage?

My client decided that every time she approached the fridge armed with a teaspoon, and checked the feeling was loneliness rather than hunger, she would go and hug her husband.

At first this happened most evenings, but after a few weeks of working on various new areas of her life, she had missed a few. Then one evening, she looked up to find her husband loitering beside her, wondering where his hug was.

Sometimes they had just hugged and felt closer, and sometimes it had led to conversations, or them deciding to spend time together going for a walk, watching something together or even, heading upstairs early.

So when she had stopped feeling so lonely and had been remiss on the hugs, he came looking for them.

It was a shock to them both that something so simple had simply reminded them that they weren’t just a 30-year married couple with deeply set routines, but two people who liked each other and wanted closeness.

I asked her to use this as a chance for them to review what sort of relationship they wanted going forward and to reset.

Not many businesses would survive without annual reviews and regular check-ins and check-ups that the goals are still valid for the context, the capacity is working for the challenges and there is a renewed sense of vision and purpose. Relationships are the same.

As we gear up for the onslaught of New Year resolutions, this can be the perfect time to review and renew what your relationship is about.

A review isn’t just an annual anniversary date to clink glasses, make proper eye contact for the first time in months, and then carry on for another year, playing out routines and habits that may have been created at a completely different stage of the marriage and family life.

It’s a chance to take a beat to celebrate what has been achieved, concentrate on what each person wants to prioritise for themselves and for the relationship going forward, and collaborate on how to make sure the relationship thrives in its own right, as well as delivers for the couple and family business it runs.

Review

A relationship needs regular re-investment and reviews are the start of that process. People can often be afraid of reviews, believing them to be possibilities to be criticised, instead of opportunities to discuss what’s working, what’s not working, what needs updating, what needs repurposing.

It’s really important to begin with the achievements and wins of the past 12 months. To recognise what each other have dealt with during the year, where the support has been positive and what has been really appreciated.

It is really easy to highlight the lack all through the business of the days, so a chance for some proactive praise always helps.

From these discussions comes the natural questions of what’s not working, what needs updating, how has the family changed and who can take more responsibility (eg, teenagers can change their own beds now, or we don’t need two parents doing the morning routine so who can be freed up to go to the gym? Or, actually, we have more time now, what can we do together?)

It’s helpful to use “I” language rather than the “You didn’t do this…” approach. For example, “I really appreciate when you just took control of that job.”, “I really loved the fact you put the effort into organising a night out for us” and “I feel a bit frustrated when I’m always left to manage x”.

Often the most important aspect that is missing from a lifeless marriage is the purpose

Often the most important aspect that is missing from a lifeless marriage is the purpose. When a couple first start to form a family unit, the mission is usually clear. But as the mission is accomplished, they can forget to reset and find a new vision as a couple.

Renew

‘Couple goals’ might have become a TikTok hashtag, but it has a real purpose. For a relationship to survive and feel alive, both partners have to thrive.

Nothing kills the pulse of a partnership more than lack of equity so updating the flow and workloads is always important. It might also be time for a partner who took an early leading care role to be given the space to recalibrate their career and that means recalibrating the workload.

It might be time to realise there is a renewed space to create a hobby together now the kids are older, and create a sense of purpose for adventures ahead.

We were sold the fairy tale that love would rescue us from the loneliness of life.

But the reality is that relationships are hard work. Prince Charming can be Grumpy, the princess wants to rescue herself and the wicked witch just needs to feel loved.

The key to an alive relationship over a lifeless marriage, is a sense of fairness, a sense of purpose, and a sense of evolving investment.

Alana Kirk is The Midlife Coach and author of ‘Midlife, redefined: Better, Bolder. Brighter’. See themidlifecoach.org